New Zealand has been really great. So far I've stayed in Auckland on the North Island, and visited Queenstown (where the shot some of Lord of the Rings) on the South Island. Not in the mood to go into detail, but went gold panning and got some real gold flakes, played some mini golf, ate at some amazing restaurants, tours the shots of Lord of the Rings on 4 wheel drive, etc etc. And also have done some shopping around Auckland. I'm now the proud owned of these pants in black/navy (depending on lighting):


And this lovely dress:


Photos and more later. Now to watch season 5 of Outrageous Fortune

It says it all:

"The lumber of the skyline used to support nightly travel to the outer reaches of consciousness... the bedroom is the place where we engage in some of our more formative experiences, the landscape of affecting and profound personal experience." -Geography of Home by Akiko Busch

Having crises over my senior project. Prof. said I'm in a good position, but I still am not confident enough. Manically looking for inspiration and writing down potential scenes to create. Here you go:

I REALLY dislike when people are publicly humiliated, even if they do deserve it

Early early early. Been a while since I've needed to get the the airport by 5am. But this marks the cross section of my meeting my new family home in Houston, and being only a few weeks away form going to my New Zealand home. I'm ready for it all to happen, just waiting for the time to pass.

baby it's you

always, when I am at the brink of seeing the boy I have a major emotional breakdown. It happened today. Three weeks until we're together, and he's on a plane to Auckland, NZ right as we speak. I may have freaked him out, I just like being able to send well wishes before he flies. It's funny, before my being in a relationship I imagined crashing in a plane and not really caring/being intrigued by the experience. Now whenever he is or I am flying I have great feelings of fear. Now all I need is to finish these weeks of school.

this is really great:

la vie en rose

this is really beautiful. By my friend Leah Rizzo:

still frame from leahrizzo on Vimeo.

Oh my goodness these are SOOO awkward. I don't think they sell me on any of it (maybe the last): Street Carnage

"We shall then see that our habitual perception of the world as stable and reliable is an illusion. The facts not only fail to support this illusion; they stand in grotesque contrast to it. A tiny area of light, warmth, and life, wrapped paper thin over a ball hanging forlornly in empty space." -Hoimar Von Ditfurth in Children of the Universe

sometime I have a heartache

So I finally have some of my new side project on film... shot it this weekend with some lovely ladies. Now I'm getting excited to shoot more versions.

hahaha

found via Sea of Shoes

weeki wachi

this was my childhood. It's called Weeki Wachi, a theme park of mermaids. One day I'll scan an image of me WITH a mermaid. For now here are these:

I'm definitely going to New Zealand for the holidays, meeting the man's family in person finally. The only problem is I won't be able to concentrate on anything besides NZ until I'm out for the semester. Wish me luck!

this is really quite wonderful

Marianne oh Marianne

It's been a while, I've been busy on film shoots, photoing in nyc, etc etc.

Here're some pictures in apologies:



And this amazing artist, cai guo-qiang:



And I'm feeling a little jealousy because the byf is in talks to work with an amazing photog, won't reveal in hopes that it works out!

Finally. The girl that never gets the job got one. Well, I already have an internship, but this job is paid. At last. Celebration. Time to start saving for the future.

I know some people really don't like her, but I'll always be charmed by Kirsten Dunst.

And teaching myself to dress a bit more. I'm worried it's all just become a collection instead of a guide... then there's the problem that I can't just go out and buy things. hmmm

In sad times I need to look at this:

Thriller

so, I've really been missing my boy, but last night I had some fun and tonight should be really fun. Hard Cider, Michael Jackson on vinyl, and drunk puzzling... should make up for my lack of kisses.

Me and the boy (photo by the wonderfully whimsical Jan von Holleben):


And on of the projects I'm planning and re-working:

P.D.

haha, from Purple Diary:

I hate how I conflate pop culture's examples of relationships as a possibility of my own. It's just not reality.

I hate when I have bad dreams about me and my boy, especially when he's far away. I know it's never a life possibility with what happens in these dreams, but it still can be upsetting. I never have bad dreams about anyone else in my life. Maybe it's some subconscious defense mechanism? I also dreamt I was sexually harassed by this one creepy guy that stood in my starbucks line a few days ago back home... damn those insomnia cookies. Well, the day moves on so I need to get over this shlump and be happy.

B.O.

"It's a city of broad shoulders and big hearts and bold dreams; a city of legendary sports figures, legendary sports venues, and legendary sports fans; a city like America itself, where the world -- the world's races and religions and nationalities come together and reach for the dream that brought them here.

In Chicago, old and new exist in harmony. It's a city rooted in an industrial past that laid this nation's railroads, forged this nation's steel, rebuilt itself after a great fire, and reversed the course of a mighty river." -Obama's speech to lobby for the 2016 Olympics in my hometown, Chicago.

brilliant

the third is amazing


a second bit

giving in

ok, first off, teaching myself to dress once again:





Secondly, this is something I'm working off of:



All very beautiful in their own right.

inveterate dreamer.

Teaching myself to dress again

Thinking of starting two new photo projects in the next few weeks. Won't exactly say what they are, but both require paint. One requires morning time in the backyard the other a studio. I don't know how far I can take them, but we'll find out in due time.

Also, scanning images of my senior project, not gonna show them until I've got the finished product (new goal, instead of putting up dust covered images). It may be a while, but it'll be worth it.

Finally

I finally have internet, and I've been naughty purchasing some items.

And teaching myself to dress again:




I'll be taking ballet and an abs class... working on doing yoga more often and just eating well. Oh, and I'm an unofficial aunt now! Don't know the girls name yet, but can't wait to meet her.

Last official day in my childhood home. I'm packing up to head back to school, and will never return to this place. Sad. But I know good things are to come.

going through all of my old photographs from life is making me nostalgic, but also excited for the future-with him, and in all other aspects.

There is an excited, happy dance dedicated only to me. And I love it late at night.

I didn't live

this would be quite nice:



ffffound

terrible news, man-boy-lover has to go home to New Zealand indefinitely... or until we get married....

So ready for this one:



I love Wes Anderson, and I love stop-action animation...

I want romance.

Even though he's a scientologist, I LOVE Beck. I love "The Information," so this video is nice:


And I believe the backup singer (the one with the trench coat) is Jamie Lidell, who happens to be an awesomely amazing singer... but you can't really tell in this video.

seriously, how does one get oneself out of a funk? When I get to my boiling point I can't hold back.

from ffffound.

I'm carving two tree stumps into natural stools... it's going to be a while before I finish them, but should be cool.

I'm so upset, and there isn't any one reason that's valid. Well, the most recent development at the dentist's sucked. No matter how well I've taken care of my teeth I've managed to get a cavity. And the woman cleaning my teeth gouged the fuck out of my gums, they're still throbbing from pain. There is another issue in my life, but I won't go into it. Privacy is important sometimes.

Why I love my neighborhood

Why I love my neighborhood:

Because I can walk home at odd hours of the night alone and feel as safe as I possibly can with no protection or friends nearby. This is because all the gay boys are out to party. And no matter how exhausted or beaten I am I can usually get some sort of compliment on my outfit, even if my shoes are dangling from my hands. I'm going to miss this.

I love you boys-town, Chicago.

just some pictures on my desktop... teaching myself how to dress

you can't stop them

where do I find something like these?!?

death

vanilla beans

so, a very talented alumnus of my photo program, Jane Tam, recently interviewed one of my professors, Laura Heyman, on her life and work. Here's the article: NYMPHOTO

check out where I'm coming from scholastically.

strap yourself in

This is it, I am the eldest and the last cousin to be without a driver's license. Do I care? No. Most certainly not. What I do care about is the aunts, uncles and grandparents giving a damn and loving to rub it in my face. I don't think they will ever understand my attitude towards this.

I'll just put it this way. #1, they did not have to deal with the death of a grandmother by an automobile accident. #2 they will never live in a bustling city where they won't have to worry about transportation, #3 they still haven't realized that people are not judged at face value by having obtained a driver's license, #4 they cannot look beyond the "importance" of a plastic card to see the bigger things in life, or the better accomplishments one can make.

Ugh, it's so frustrating. They don't notice that I don't give a shit. The only reason why I'd get one would be if I were actually in dire need of driving somewhere or to get them off my backs. My life is perfectly fulfilling without a license, so I don't see the point of rubbing it in my face. You'll have to work a whole lot harder to convince me.

I think I'll be working on a variation of this... but wayyyy shorter:

damn, it's hard to believe that any one person can effect me so much, but it's true. Things feel so different without the man-boy-lover. It's like I'm constant;y looking to finish my sentence, but nothing fits... writing this all down doesn't help much because I'm sure it must be more or less hard to relate to unless you've dealt with a long distance relationship. It's hard because he's in an entirely new (and very large) city, has no friends to hang out with every day, and only has a few jobs lined up for the rest of this sumer. I need to try and not complain to him because I could potentially make him feel like he shouldn't be doing this, which I don't want to do. Nor do I want him to feel like I would want him to choose me over a job opportunity or life opportunity. At this point I think we're going to try for the long haul, so whatever happens now determines our future, so I don't want to be detrimental to this. Luckily my mom was super kind to me, acting like a mother and all, and took me to a new favorite, Bucktown, for some shopping and dining. Went to the obvious Urban Outfitters, but also finally got to buy something at the nice vintage store because everything was 35% off, and the guy working there gave me about 50% off on some ankle books that remind me of what I might say is an Alison Mosshart cowboy style in red.

I've decided that my purchases can no longer be in a comfortable manner (at least with my tops) and that they all must be architecturally interesting. it's far too easy to fall back on the safe t-shirt or the plaid/flannel de rigueur. Now that I have to clear out my entire room and start giving away clothes (plus the trips to London, and the sight seeing of the ladies on the street) I've decided it is no longer acceptable to be boring and comfortable. I need to push myself beyond the comfort of U.S. styles and move into iconic/exotic dressings. Oh, and on top of this I think I've decided to keep this under-shaven hair look, but maybe grow the top bit into a bob. Girls/women need to learn that there's more to femininity/identity than long hair. Sure you can keep some of it, but cut that dry-end shit off and go for something a bit more interesting. It's only hair, it'll grow back in about 2-4 months. So yeah, under-shaven for a while for me.

Signing off to drown myself into some book and forget about my bad/sad attitude.

you make my dreams come true

I think I'm making up for the lack of home cooked meals of my youth (not that I'm complaining, I LOVE sushi and chinese) by getting so excited to cook my own. Ace

saw this on my friend, erin's page:



quite amazing and scary at the same time

oh, yes, and I keep thinking about becoming a vegetarian. I also have a mean craving to read, but entertaining the out-of-towner bf requires most of that time.

Davy

JS will always be adorable in my mind:

I'm a hypocrite. I wished everyone would update more, whereas I rarely do... oops

top gear

so I'll take a boredom break and update on my life. It's all a-jumble, so prepare:

I'm in London, I've been here for about 2.5 weeks, and it's to visit the bf and help his pack up and organize his moving to the U.S. I got to watch a shoot/ help out assisting on a Citrix shoot. I had crazy jet lag and came so close to falling asleep both days I was there. After these I finally met a member of the bf's family, his sister and her boyfriend, whom are expecting a child in september. I've done a lot of hang out since the bf works most of the time and couldn't get me on shoots, but I did hit up Topshop and made a couple purchases. Definitely hitting it up one more time, but I'll explain why have to wait on it later. Met the bf's work people for a belated birthday/going away gig. Couldn't really drink because I got food poisoning and didn't want any more offenders added into my body. It was tough. I also had these stomach problems for 5 days, rough rough rough. The funny thing is I'm usually never sick, and I've told my boy this, but I seem to always get sick whenever I'm/he's visiting. To top it off I think I got some sort of an infection from it so I had to go to a shanty "Royal" London Hospital clinic walk-in to get tested and get some antibiotics. I'm still not convinced they fully worked. Visited the Colombia road flower market on a saturday, had been to the Broadway market the week before... makes me wish there were more farmer's markets around home. Especially on weekends. A lot of my happenings are now forgotten, but I've walked around here and there, and of course have made sure to eat my indian, chinese, and what other nice national foods are around east London. I've fallen in love with a 3 bean salad, really, most side salads sold at the chain stores are excellent. I love how english food labels say exactly what is in the container right down to the percentages. Finally saw Synecdoche New York. And within the past 2 days have had major delays and troubles because of the Tube strike going on. Yesterday I helped out at Dan Tobin Smith's photo studio. The bf does some digital operating for Dan, as well as assists here and there for him, so I got to go in and help out on a personal project. He really is an amazing photographer, so check out his stuff:
Dan Tobin Smith

really great, yeah?
Anyway, after the shoot we all went to Dan's actual real-deal assistant's photo opening on a project about polaroids and the empty factory and what not. It took us more than an hour to get us in the general vicinity and had to walk the rest of the way. This time delay was because of the strike, creating much more car traffic and a lot of crazy bicyclists all over the place. This strike is also what has prevented me from going to Topshop one final time to get what I've decided is the thing I want to most now.

Also got to get to the Saatchi Gallery this weekend before the strike, couldn't get into the Museum of Natural History because the line was around the gate, so we went to Saatchi instead. The theme was up and coming American artists, but the one project that really stood out for me was this amazing one in their "basement" with a bunch of rubber molded old men in wheelchairs wearing "traditional" clothes/stereotypical/political outfits. Half of them are passed out in their chairs and other just sit in a corner, but most of them move around on sensors. I'll eventually get my pictures up so I can further demonstrate how amazing it was. I got kicked in the shin because I thought their sensors would be a little bit more sensitive.

Currently, I'm watching British Top Gear, well, more focused on the writing than watching. But I had pick up a bagel sandwich from Brick lane, as well as some chocolate truffles for the family (which I tried on piece of). Couldn't buy any more because I realized I forgot to call my debt card company and let them know I'm abroad... Oh, and I previously bought a bunny lamp/plastic 3d white bunny with a light inside, SO EXCITING. The store said they may be coming out with a cat version, and might include it online... I feel like 2 will be better than one, but I'm quite content as is.

Can't remember what else has transpired, but if I remember I'll just make a quick edit or a new post. I'll also make the picture post... Plus whatever else comes my with with my final 4 days here... so sad, I really feel like London could be home for me... oh well

in response

in response to my friend's tumblr write up on h&m's new collection... I REALLY would love to own this dress:

shine a scar

Not much news in London. It's actually sunny and hot. Just catching up on the usual haunts- Topshop, Brick Lane, you know. But I did get one job so far, I was the photographer's 2nd assistant. I get paid too. Also bet the bf's sister and her bf for a nice little bbq. I've been introduced to this amazing New Zealand show called "Outrageous Fortune" I highly recommend it.

That's pretty much it for now.

off to London tomorrow night! I thought this day would take longer to come, well, it has, but it's finally here.

This is photographer Rebecca Rijsdijk as seen on "I Heart Photograph" whose work is quite wonderful:

dead cowboy

been lounging and doing nothing for the little while I've been home. Went to Houston to check out houses for the family to move into... some are promising. Life is gonna be way different when I'm there. Got my tickets for London. It'll probably be the last time I go for a long time seen as my boy is coming to the states and closer to me. Also just picked up my 4x5 to start my senior thesis on the move to Houston. There's something so therapeutic and entrancing when you have to work with a massive camera and plan out your shots. Let's hope the film doesn't get ruined when I get it developed. Gonna bring the camera to Racine for Memorial day weekend, gonna get some portraits of the family and the grounds.

oh, and I'm looking at Mitch Epstein's book "Family Business" for inspiration: